


Tears Amongst the Stars

by SilverScribe



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, F/F, Hurt, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Relationship Problems, Relationships aren't perfect, having serious problems does not equal abusive or toxic, i will fight you, lapis is not an abuser, no fucking comfort here, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 10:23:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12702996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverScribe/pseuds/SilverScribe
Summary: Sometimes what you think you need is actually the worst possible thing for you. Or Lapis’ experience during the events of “Back to the Kindergarten”.This work now has aRussian translationthanks tovikilix!Check it out if you're so inclined, and also check out vikilix!





	Tears Amongst the Stars

**Author's Note:**

> Something important to note before you read this piece is that the thoughts expressed therein are how I imagine Lapis is feeling right now. Not what I personally believe to be true about her.
> 
> Also fair warning, this is a vent fic. It’s not easy being a Lapidot fan/writer in this fandom in the best of times. Since the most recent bomb it’s reached a new level of horrible. Take that as you will. And yes I'm aware that Lapidot fans aren't the only people who have to deal with horrid crap and no I don't think you're terrible if you don't like this ship. Although I do question why you clicked on this fic if that's the case. ;)
> 
> Oh, and I guess I broke my promise about my next piece not being Lapidot. Well, apologies, but I needed to write this.

It was cold, quiet and utterly desolate. Lapis wasn’t sure what corner of the galaxy she was in exactly, after she’d left Earth she’d just picked a random direction and flew herself and the barn away as quickly as possible. She sat curled in on herself in the center of the barn, arms around her knees and face hidden within them. Frigid starlight twinkled in the distance, distorted slightly by the water bubble Lapis was maintaining around her precious home. The focus required to keep the water liquid in the vacuum of space was a welcome distraction. But it wasn’t enough to dull the throbbing ache in her chest or the biting pain behind her eyes. She’d left them.

Steven, Pumpkin…

Peridot.

She tightened her grip around her knees, so tight it felt like she might break her legs. Peridot. She’d left Peridot behind. After everything Peridot had done for her, after all the support and care she’d shown her. And Lapis, selfish and horrible Lapis, had _left her behind._

“She lied to me,” she mumbled into the crushing silence around her. “Why didn’t she just tell me!? Tell me when...tell me when things were wrong.”

It was a small comfort. A weak justification.

Peridot had lied to her because she was _afraid_ of her. Afraid of what Lapis might say. Afraid of what Lapis might do. That was the only conclusion Lapis could come to. Why else would Peridot hide what she really thought?

And could Lapis blame Peridot? She was a monster. She should have known better. After Malachite she shouldn’t have risked being with anyone. She’d only bring them pain in the end. Only wrap chains around their life and drag them somewhere they didn’t want to be.

She unfolded herself then and simply allowed her form to drift through the empty barn. Morps, their morps, floated everywhere. Each one she observed as she hovered aimlessly brought back a memory. Of how they’d made it, of how excited Peridot was to show them off, of how much happiness the pursuit had brought both of them. Together.

Was that all a lie? Was it simply Peridot placating her. Going along with the creative pursuit out of a fear for how Lapis may react otherwise? What had been real about their relationship? Was there a relationship at all? Or was Peridot simply afraid, simply trying to appease a being who could potentially destroy the planet they lived on if she was in a bad mood. Lapis didn’t know and the not knowing was crushing her. What had she been doing to Dot all these months? How much had Peri been suffering without Lapis realizing it?

The thought ate at her. Lapis had been so selfish. So self absorbed. How could she have not seen what was happening? What she was doing? A glimmer towards the roof of the barn caught her eye then. A green flicker in the pale light. It was a bubble.

Peridot’s bubble.

Lapis drifted up towards the bubble seemingly against her will. Towards the most obvious reminder of her abandoned barn mate. She wrapped her hands around it and brought it close to her chest, letting the green glow wash over her. “Peridot...Peri, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” she whispered brokenly to the bubble. Her vision was blurry and distorted, making the green glow from Peridot’s bubble seem smudged and fuzzy.

She was crying.

Again.

She wrapped herself completely around the one part of her companion she could still touch and she let the sobs take her. Her shoulders shook and her weak, snuffling whimpers filled the barn interior. Tiny droplets of water, her tears, glittered all around her as she floated aimlessly around her home. Her own little field of stars.

But it wasn’t home anymore. Peridot wasn’t here. Without her it was just an empty husk full of bitter reminders of what she’d left behind. In her fear. In her panic. In her cowardice. She should have stayed. Should have fought like Peridot wanted.

 

_“Earth is our home now, isn’t it worth fighting for?”_

 

As some of the last words she’d heard from her precious companion echoed through her mind Lapis recoiled, a painful sick feeling that she had no name for roiling through her stomach. She should have stayed. After everything Peridot had done for her, after all the support and comfort she’d given, how could she just leave? But...but how could Peridot stay? Why couldn’t she have come with her? Lapis had learned to love the Earth, but the Diamonds… the Diamonds would be coming.

The Diamonds would be coming with their unstoppable rage and there would be another war and Lapis would have the fight and she couldn’t _do that again._  But Peridot...What was going to happen to her now that Lapis was gone? The thought raged within her until it burst through her lips in a helpless scream. She released Peridot’s bubble to float back amongst the rafters as she filled the barn with her anguish. Her chest was so tight and she was breathing so fast, which was ridiculous, she didn’t even need to breath! But it hurt not to and the ache in her chest was stronger and she didn't know what was wrong but it was terrible. She couldn’t bare it. Peridot…

 

“ _I think we can win. I think you can win.”_

 

“Maybe you can win Peri, but I...I can’t. I can’t go through that. Not again,” she whispered to the darkness as she let her body go limp, her anguish spent for the moment, the iron bands around her chest lax enough to be merely a discomfort instead of an agony. Then she started crying again. She’d lost track of how many times she’d cried. Mourning everything she’d lost. Mourning everything she’d ruined.

It was cold and lonely amongst the stars.

**Author's Note:**

> And done. That was fun right?
> 
> Heh. I'm sorry, this fic was more for my emotional wellbeing than my readers enjoyment. A bit of selfish indulgence. Not to have a persecution complex, because I know all sides of this fandom go through hell not just my little Lapidot corner, but I'm just so tired of the hate. And I don't mean people who dislike Lapidot, that's _fine_ , I mean the people who make up crap to justify their hatred and who were dancing a jig and ran screaming into the tags after this latest bomb to tell everyone who enjoyed Lapidot how much of a horrible person they were for being behind this "abusive" ship.
> 
> And that is the crux of my discontent. Abusive. What Lapis and Peridot have isn't abusive. It is flawed and in parts unhealthy but not abusive. Here's a revelation guys, relationships aren't perfect. They aren't all sunshine and rainbows. They're hard work, angry shouts and shed tears as much as they're warm hugs and tender kisses. That's life. That's reality. I think sometimes here in shipping land we forget that.
> 
> In the end I think "Raising the Barn" is going to be good for both Lapis and Peridot and that they'll come back together with a stronger relationship. Platonic or romantic.
> 
> Okay if I keep going my notes will be longer than my fic. I relate to Lapis pretty heavily because of her flaws and shortcomings, I see a lot of myself in her. So when people call her this abusive, toxic and horrible person I tend to take it personally I suppose. Which is a fault on my part.
> 
> Okies, vent fic done. If by some miracle you enjoyed this I recommend my other work. It's happier fare. Usually. ;)


End file.
